This blog was written by International Leadership Specialist, Simon Shaw – director of Leadership at Mojave Training and Senior Associate at the Strategic Development Network (SDN).
I’ve recently reflected on what we really know about the feeling of being given feedback. Luckily there’s been some research into this subject so it’s not all guesswork!
The studies are mostly about how people feel when they get feedback, although the impact on the person giving the feedback is sometimes considered as well.
Anyone who gives feedback to individuals or teams should know how the recipients might feel when they get it. Otherwise, you’re going into it with your eyes shut.
So, here are three tips based on the research. They’ll help anyone in a coaching role develop their emotional awareness and make it a more natural part of the feedback they give.
Tip 1 – Be positive
Especially when the feedback you’re giving is more negative rather than positive. If you use negative emotional language (‘I feel that you’ve just let everybody down’), there’s much less chance that the person or people you’re feeding back to will take the message on board and improve their performance.
Why? Because your negativity shifts the focus away from the situation that needs addressing and forces all their attention onto themselves instead.
Try a more neutral approach that keeps your emotions out of it:
‘I’m a bit concerned about the project’s outcome, and I’d like to discuss it with you now.’
‘You didn’t meet the target we set. What do you think contributed to that?’
Tip 2 – Keep your cool
Especially when the person or people you’re feeding back to is losing theirs. But don’t ignore their emotions, because that only makes it worse. Instead, acknowledge how they’re feeling (‘I know you’re upset about this’), then move on: ‘Let’s just look at why it happened’.
And if things get really heated, call a break:
‘I’m just going to get a glass of water – would you like one?’
Tip 3 – Don’t rush it
Instead, allow the person or people you’re feeding back to a bit of time to reflect on the feedback: ‘Why don’t you give it some thought, and we’ll come back to it next week?’
Leaving a gap for reflection works just as well for positive as well as negative feedback. Immediate feelings of pleasure and pride (generated by positive feedback) or anger and resentment (generated by negative feedback) can lose their intensity and become more manageable with time and reflection.
This makes the feelings more available for discussion:
‘How do you feel now you’ve had a chance to think it over?’
And more open to improvement:
‘Where do you think you could move to now?’
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